The Squat Club on Trial

The optimal Squat Club tree has low hanging branches

The optimal Squat Club tree has low hanging branches

“You know she gets this from your side of the family,” Donald said after reading the letter. “Half your family members are part monkey and would have no problem with peeing on the ground.”

“I don’t know why you’re getting so high and mighty. If you’d grown up in the country, you’d know that practically every kid who lives in the woods has gone to the bathroom outside at one time or another.”

“Maybe, but there’s a big difference between camping and forming a club whose sole purpose is to piss behind bushes. She’s a little girl, Kaitlin, and she needs to act like one.”

“I agree this isn’t her finest moment, but it’s not as if the teacher caught them doing a line of cocaine under the magnolia tree. Let’s go talk to her and hear what she has to say.”

“Fine, but just know that she’s going to understand that she has to keep her panties on in public.” And that was a statement that he’d never dreamed of making until her teenage years.

Talking to Ellie turned out to be more challenging than Kaitlin thought. Once Ellie understood the allegation and that her report card mark was only the first in a long line of consequences, she began to circle the wagons.

“I may have been a member of the club, Mommy, but I didn’t ever pee outside.”

“Really? I thought you had to in order to join.”

Ellie shrugged. “I was just always a guard.”

“I see. So tomorrow when your dad and I go to talk with the principal, that’s what she’s going to tell me.”

Ellie squirmed a bit to the left. “Well, maybe I just peed one time. To join. But I didn’t do it after that, and it wasn’t me that Miss Fletcher caught on Tuesday. I was just a guard.”

“So you only did this once, and not on Tuesday. When I speak to the principal tomorrow, this is what she’s going to tell me.”

“Well, maybe . . .”

The longer the interrogation lasted, the fuzzier the answers became. Ellie was unsure about a great deal. She was only a recent convert, only superficially involved, and only an alternate on the urination rotation roster. She had no real insight into the devious workings of this organization, nor was she aware of the activities of the higher-ups. She was a member of a cult, it seemed, an innocent victim of brainwashing by a group of female radicals taking feminism to a new level. Gone were the days when only little boys could whip it out and relieve themselves without the aid of a toilet. Or hand soap. No ma’am. These girls had proven that those of us bearing XX chromosomes are just as adept at outdoor voiding as those with exterior equipment. This was the new bra burning of 2013.

No longer will females be subjugated by facility signs

No longer will females be subjugated by facility signs

As Kaitlin and Donald prepared themselves for the upcoming conference, they realized they had no idea what to expect. When your kid is caught up in such a passionate political movement, who knows what crimes she may have committed for the sake of the cause?

© 2013 – Traci Carver


3 responses »

  1. I cannot WAIT to see how this turns out. LOL As a mom who has had a few escapades with her children, I can only imagine. LOL And praise GOD it’s not my child!

  2. That’s funny. If it were my kid, I would have gotten caught up in a different line of questioning. “If you were the guard, how come somebody got caught?” I would have lost sight of the whole breaking rules issue in favor of the ‘Were you focused upon your task?’ issue.

    • I can’t imagine how many different ways there are to tackle this scenario. I can envision some parents that I’ve met marching into the principal’s office screaming, “If my kid wants to pee on every patch of ground out there, then it’s alright with me!”

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