The Squat Club Sentenced


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The principal received them with an air of sobriety. While she may have been mildly amused by the signature act of The Squat Club, she saw the seriousness behind the mischief. This was the last type of publicity she wanted for her school, and the quicker she could dissolve the Full Moons Over Recess Gang, the better for all those involved.

“It’s not that we consider the girls to be shameful,” she said in a tone that contradicted the statement, “it’s just that we don’t want to see this situation get blown out of proportion or placed in the wrong hands. We have to think about the girls’ future academic careers.”

“Excuse me,” Kaitlin said, “but what do you mean their ‘future careers’?  They tinkled behind a couple of bushes.”

“Well, technically, yes, but it’s more involved than that. We just don’t want this to follow them during their time at St. Timothy’s.”

“I see,” said Kaitlin, trying to rein in a smile.

“Can you tell us what you know?” Donald said, trying to get to the bottom of things, so they could get the hell out of there.  He needed to get back to work, for Pete’s sake.  He couldn’t believe he was wasting personal leave time on a pissing contest.

“Yes,” the principal said, delighted that someone was in a serious frame of mind. “Ellie has been a part of The Squat Club since its inception. She and another girl established the group back in late spring, according to my notes, but summer suspended the sessions which resumed in August.  They have gained followers since, and total membership numbers around half a dozen girls.”

Kaitlin frowned. So Ellie was not just a member, she was the co-founder. That’s lie number one.  “Who are the other members?”

“I’m afraid I can’t disclose that information, some of the parents are quite stricken about this, but I’m sure Ellie will tell you.”

Unfortunately, Kaitlin wasn’t sure about that at all. “Can you tell me how you knew Ellie was involved?”

“Yes, that is pertinent information for you.  Ellie was caught with two other girls in the act. As the letter stated, one girl is the closer while the other two keep lookout.”

“And Ellie was a guard?”

The principal looked at her over bifocals. “No . . . Ellie was the one carrying out the club’s duties for that shift.”

Kaitlin heard Donald swear quietly under his breath. That was lie number two from their little princess.  She watched the principal shuffle papers until she came to the one she sought.

“Here it is.  Miss Fletcher came upon the girls from the south, and she overheard one of the guards yell, ‘Suck it up; suck it up!  Somebody’s coming!’ It was then that Miss Fletcher found Ellie in a compromising position.”

Kaitlin had heard enough, and Donald was about two seconds from imploding. They thanked the principal, promised to have a serious heart-to-heart with their daughter, and left.

As they climbed into their minivan, Kaitlin said, “I wasn’t angry until I heard about the lying. That kid looked us straight in the face and lied.  Those giant, green eyes never even looked away.”

“Yep,” said Donald, “and this is the crap she’s pulling now, at age seven.” He shook his head. “God help us.”

“I told you we shouldn’t have skipped church last night.”

So needless to say, Ellie found herself the center of serious attention.  And for those of you with elementary school daughters, who bear the faces of cherubs and the voices of fairies, ask yourself this question: It’s 10 o’clock in the morning; do you know what your second grader is up to? Or squatting down to do?

The witching hour

The witching hour

© 2013 – Traci Carver


12 responses »

  1. Someday you’ll laugh at this…but not today! Today it was my turn! Thank you! 🙂 My cherub is the self-sacrificing type – he purposefully leaves his clothes behind the bathroom door because “you need more exercise, Mom. I don’t want you to get fat”! Yeah…that’s the reason. Nice try….

  2. The joys of parenthood. LOL Never a dull moment! Can’t WAIT to fill you in on what’s been going down around here. Thankfully, nothing having to do with a bathroom or natural facilities!

    • You should read this to your “fabricator in training” so he can see the finer points of the process. By the time he’s 7, he’ll pass any lie detector test you give him.

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